No More Mister Nice Guy

A LOT of people think being a Christian means being nice to everybody all the time.

Today we’re going to correct that notion.

Sometimes being a Christian means carrying out the big smackdown.

In Matthew 18, Jesus provides the consummate model for dealing with relationship conflicts:

The first thing to be said about this is, it’s THE formula for ending backbiting and gossip.

Most people are too cowardly to confront someone who has offended them face to face, so instead of dealing with the problem head on, they just gossip to all their friends about it. It creates an undercurrent of conflict and dissension that becomes impossible to stop.

If you follow Matthew 18, this never happens. Also, if other people follow Matthew 18, you don’t get blindsided when you hear 3rd hand that you hurt somebody’s feelings. The person tells you directly and you’re able to respond to it. It’s surprising how often such things are trivial misunderstandings that are no big deal when they’re nipped in the bud.

Sometimes the person you are confronting refuses to even meet with the 2nd or 3rd person. If so… you already have your answer.

Notice the verse that comes immediately after this:

Many of us have heard that verse, but we don’t necessarily realize that it’s connected to discipline within the church. That the church must police the conduct of its members, and when someone is indulging in sin and refuses to acknowledge it, the church has the authority of heaven behind her.

This is how we keep our church family pure.

Growing up, I remember three different occasions when a man or woman left their family to have an adulterous affair. They were confronted in exactly this fashion and eventually publicly dismissed from fellowship. It seemed so mean at the time. But then I remember one time when the man repented of his sin and came back. He was welcomed back to our church family with open arms and tears of joy.

Anybody who’s seen close up and witnessed a family self-destruct because somebody’s having an affair, understands why such behavior is so serious. It permanently wrecks an entire family and damages children for decades. Given the highly addictive chemistry of extramarital affairs (think: crack cocaine), it always takes STRONG medicine to get the offending person to wake up.

Along a similar line…

Titus 3:10-11 says,

I had to do this to someone and at first I was horribly conflicted about it. Such decisions can be utterly agonizing. Rejecting or firing the other person may feel just as nasty and cruel as sawing somebody’s leg off without pain killers... feels like throwing your own mother over the side of the ship and watching her drown. But the wisest counsel you can find assures you, you are doing the right thing.

Either we get rid of this person or we all drown.

Yes, you doubt yourself...but time and distance prove you received good advice.

In time you discover, there was already a trail of dead bodies in the other person’s wake; you had just naively thought you were going to be the exception.

You also find, in the long run, getting rid of a toxic person is the most merciful (even loving) thing you can do to them. Because they must face the consequences of their actions.

Then and only then might a healthy relationship be possible. Your efforts to appease only enable their pattern to continue.

Strength and Honor,

Perry Marshall