The Head vs. the Heart
Whenever I used to read the book of Psalms in the Bible, I used to think, What is the deal with this MANIC DEPRESSIVE GUY???
Barely related to it at all. One chapter he’s celebrating with angels. Next chapter he’s ready to drive his chariot into a brick wall.
I related to Proverbs so much better. Wise, useful, practical stuff. Brain stuff, not heart stuff.
One time my English prof (wonderful, insightful guy) asked our class, “Which of you always know how you feel?”
It was the sort of question you were not supposed to say ‘yes’ to. I was the only one that raised my hand.
He politely ignored it, rather than correcting me. I’m sure he thought, “Perry doesn’t even know that he doesn’t know how he feels on any given day.” Back then I mostly lived in my head.
A couple of years ago a counselor said to me, “You know what Perry? You are REALLY good at hiding your shit.”
She was right. I was so good, I was even good at hiding it from myself. (Considering the starchy church culture I grew up in, this was actually quite a compliment.)
But push eventually came to shove. Sooner or later I had to figure out why I was so compulsive… why certain things would make me angry and I would snap and seemingly have no control of myself. Why certain things my kids did pushed my buttons so hard. Why there were some events I could barely even talk about.
At one point the toothpaste started coming out of the tube and I just couldn’t put it back anymore. When you’re 20 you have the strength to keep it all smoothed over. When you’re 40 you need your energy for other things. Very old wounds started coming to the surface.
Little by little I began to see that underneath my well-orchestrated exterior was a hurting boy, an aching young man… a kid who didn’t know what do to with those hurts so he buried them.
But buried hurts don’t go away. They just drive you in ways you don’t comprehend.
I began to understand what David really meant when he said things like….
My heart is breaking
as I remember how it used to be:
I walked among the crowds of worshipers,
leading a great procession to the house of God,
singing for joy and giving thanks
amid the sound of a great celebration!
Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I also began to understand what he meant when he said things like…
He restoreth my soul
and
Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-
who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
This kind of language sounded like sissy talk at one time. (I emailed a draft of this article to a friend and the google ads in the next gmail screen that came up were selling men’s bras. Can you picture it now? Perry Marshall in DRAG.)
But I came to recognize that it takes a lot of courage to go into those hurting places, to invite God in to help you clean them up.
I also found that He surrounds you with people who will help you through the journey… and that many others walk the same road as you.
It is a great thing, is it not? Very beautiful.
When you are willing to really be in the depths of who you are – for the ultimate purpose of being at the height of who you are – God/universe/creator/plenum (whatever title we want to give it) says, as always, “of course you may have what you want, darling child of mine” and sends us help in many forms.
It is SO FUN and frankly, pretty damn cool. Remember to enjoy it all, even the parts that hurt. THAT, my friend, is divine.
Enjoy the day.
In August of 1998 I was sitting in my private office at the largest law firm in the State of Texas. I had a GREAT job. My boss and co-workers loved me. The pay and benefits were great. There were opportunities to climb the ladder. But I was bored, even depressed. I took it up with God – “why do I feel this way?”.
In my case, God spoke to me. Yes, audibly. And I followed His instructions which ultimately led me to where I am today.
I have always been able to relate to David. He was so passionate and yet so HUMAN. He was so in love with God and it was obvious that God had a very intimate relationship with him.
I’m not surprised that you wrote this…there are so many sides to the Perry I’ve been following for years now.
Hey, Perry, thanks for having the courage to write about this. I’ve been there. Engineer, left brain all the way, pretend to have it together, bury it deep. In the depths of my second divorce I finally got miserable enough to become teachable. That led to a process of getting out of my head and into my heart. (I love Sheryll Crow’s song about it!) That led to a new career helping and teaching people, a new wife of, now, 11 years (who says I’m doing well with my heart) and a new value system that puts spiritual principles first. I get to do all that and internet marketing, too. Life is good!
Thanks, Wes
The insight to be attuned to your feelings – even if ahem..unclean and unclear – is so wonderful and to share it amazingly powerful.
Maybe thats what *real* power is?
Denise