Father's Day Rant and a message of honor
There's no better day than Father's day to publicly acknowledge:
Sometimes dads get the short end of the stick.
I remember when I was about 11 years old I bought a hilarious issue of MAD magazine. You know, MAD – the satire mag with the picture of Alfred E. Newman on the cover.
One particular article was mocking the media, and had this cartoon of the typical dad as he's usually portrayed on TV:
A bumbling idiot guy is stooped down in the kitchen, peering into the oven with his hand on the temperature knob of the stove. And he's saying, "Jeepers honey, I can't seem to find channel 4 on the Teee-Veee."
Yep…. the comedians give you a more accurate picture than the news does, most of the time.
Consistently, dads are portrayed on TV as stupid. They're dumber than mom, dumber than their mistress, dumber than the mouthy teenage kids, dumber than the plumber.
My kids have "Berenstain Bears" books that we read at bedtime. In these books, Papa Bear usually says stupid things and Mama Bear usually corrects him.
Portraying husbands and dads as helpless fools is so common, most of us don't even notice it anymore.
Or how about that old feminist slogan, "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle"?
What a thoroughly slanderous thing to say. I fail to see the humor. How is that any less insulting than, say, calling someone a nigger?
Our culture freely and gleefully tears down men. It forges their greatest strengths and highest aspirations into weapons that are used against them.
And my job today, June 21, 2009, Father's day in the United States, is to set the record straight.
Men are not fools nor are they pigs or idiots.
Millions of men labor long hours for their wives and families and make great sacrifices for their loved ones. They set aside their personal agendas every day at 6 or 7am and drive to work and take great pride in caring for their families. They come home after dark and do it all over again the next day.
Many a man is too busy providing for his family and attending to his responsibilities, to try to argue with some bitter magazine columnist or college professor who labels him as 'unnecessary.'
The fact that he IS necessary, and that people DO depend on him in a very real way, is actually the source of his greatest pride. It's inseparable from his identity: At his core, he understands himself as the #1 defender and provider of those whom he loves.
So why am I saying all this to you today?
Not to put down people who put down men; not to nurse a grudge; but rather to say that on Father's day we need to take a minute and untangle some of the lies and hurtful things that are said about men.
Because 97% of the time, they're not true.
These lies must be untangled so that the truth can be spoken and received:
If you are a man, a husband, a father, a provider, YOU are worthy of honor and today is the day the world honors you. Today I honor you for what you do, even though much of the time it may feel like a thankless job.
THANK YOU for doing what you do.
And also, whether you are a man or a woman, a grandpa or a teenager, there is probably some *other* man in your life that deserves an embrace or an email or a phone call or a text message – some small token of thanks and honor for being who he is and doing what he does.
It's a day for all of us to honor each other for the ways that we serve.
Now if you are a man and an entrepreneur then you sometimes have TWO thankless jobs not one. Jobs which are often directly at odds with each other.
And… if you're a *struggling* entrepreneur then you have a triple whammy: The challenges of the two jobs and the tension between the two… combined with injury to your pride because you have not been able to provide as well as you dearly dream of providing.
Not many people understand how deeply that moves you sometimes. It's a private hurt, for the most part.
Please remember, it is a hurt that comes from the noblest of intentions and the highest of aspirations.
Sometimes men and entrepreneurs alike are judged by other people as just being selfish.
Sometimes our best efforts to give are misconstrued as attempts to take.
All men struggle with this. You and me both. You're not alone.
Let me tell you a little story….
I've got this little group of friends at my church that sometimes gets together for the sole purpose of praying and… just listening.
Listening to what the Still Small Voice may have to say.
Waiting until something is heard, until Wisdom presents herself.
Sometimes those meetings are pretty quiet. Sometimes there are long stretches of silence. It's a strange and special thing.
On one particular day I was seeking wisdom about this very question – what to do with this feeling that, sometimes, my own best efforts to give have been misconstrued by others as attempts to take.
I wait and listen for awhile and after some time goes by, the answer comes back: "People do that to Me all the time. They interpret My best efforts to give as attempts to take. This is an experience you and I both share, together."
Wow. A Father and a son having empathy for each other. Sharing that mutual experience and bonding together, within that experience. How human that is, yet… how supernatural.
So yes, today I acknowledge with you that shared experience. I celebrate you and we all celebrate Father's Day and give HONOR to dads. Dads who, even in all our imperfections, strive and sacrifice to give the very best to those we love.
Seize the Day.
Perry Marshall
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Perry, you've got the best newsletter online. That's all I've got to say.
Amen
Perry,
I generally never write comments (I am too busy trying to make a living), but your post hits the nail on the head.
I am sick of the insults, assumed stupidity, and general men hating in our current society. I work 2 jobs plus starting an internet site for songwriters and without me my daughter is in the street.
So Hooray for writing this.
Jon Griffin
salsablanca.com
jongriffin.com
Wow. I was so moved by your story about listening for the still small voice. God does understand what we go through because he has gone through it so many times as well. Thank you for sharing your personal story.
You are SO right!
You've said it all here, so all I want to add is that I hope everyone who reads your post today will stop and think. Think if they've recognized the sacrifices that their own Dads, or husbands, or brothers, or even their sons have made for them.
While my Father passed on many years ago, I'm fortunate to have a husband who has worked hard to support us, and along with him, two sons who are always there for me – and always willing to give up some of their own precious time if I need their help. (I try not to abuse the privilege!)
As for the media and their jokes – oh well, they're just dumb. I'm a blonde, so guess I get to endure it along with the men.
Happy Father's Day Perry!
Thanks a zillion for that, Perry. I couldn't agree with you more. The two men I have the most respect for in this world are my own dad and my husband, father and hero to our three sons.
We just went through a class at church "Love and Respect" and I learned a whole lot more about expressing appreciation, respect, and honor to my husband, as he learned about the kind of honor and love that women need. We're wired very differently for very good reasons.
I'm not big on "days" for this and that, apparently for the benefit of the card shops and gift stores, but if that's what it takes to get us to stop and acknowledge and express the appreciation that should be a regular part of our relationships, then so be it.
Happy Father's Day to you too.
Becki
I was with you until you compared the feminist insult to being called a nigger.
That is whole different league where the hate ends with some people getting lynched.
What a fantastic post.
As a guy supporting his family, I'm doing it without ever want of any material "reward".
I'm doing it because it is the core of who I am, and it actually makes me extremely proud to have my wife & kids close to me.
I'm one of those entrepreneurs you mentioned – have made some huge sacrifices, absolute pride "bashing" …and it's now 100% worth it.
I enjoy the 12 second commute to my office.
I enjoy having breakfast, lunch, and dinner with my family.
But most all, I enjoy the freedom my wife has to do what she wants in the day and not be "roped" into a 9-5 job with the kids in "day care".
…And it's thanks to people like you Perry who write some amazing content, content which people like me can use, put into action, and get results that allow me to – well, "enjoy" life.
To you!
Cheers, Dave
Perry,
Thanks for your awesome message,
which bears repeating.
The only ones stupid an ignorant
are the ones in the media and in
this world that make such self-centered
comments.
Happy Fathers Day, Perry
Ron Brantley
Perry,
I could not agree with you more. In my program, The Man Class Series, I show men how to win with women they love by understanding their desires.
I ask men to be the Chairman of the Relationship much like Chairman of the Board in a business. It is the highest position. I say men should be in the benevolent power position and they should wield their power with pride.
Earlier this year I created a term MASTERMAN (check it out on Urban Dictionary, author is Love Linguist). It is a status that all men can achieve. Forget the poor portrayals of men in comics and TV. Step up and claim your rightful place as a Masterman!
To all the dads – I love you!
Sherrie Rose
@SherrieRose
The Love Linguist
Inspiring yes, but there is a HUGE difference in insulting men compared with the horrific word "nigger"
I'm appalled that you'd dare to compare the two.
This is not a slam, I read everything you write, but that was a tad out of bounds. Will take me a few weeks to try and forget how shocked I am at your choice of "comparisons", but I'm sure it wasn't your intent.
Please be careful though, trying to use such a horribly racist words like that, especially when there are a plethora of other terms that could have easily (and even better) hit home.
Still a fan,
TJ
TJ and Dr. Howell:
I hope you can cut me some slack on the huge range of meanings that these words have to different people. I come from a position of respect towards you and what you've experienced and the historical meaning of these words.
For me – this is just my experience – the word "nigger" is a name no white person would ever use in reference to a black person. At the same time it is a word that some African-Americans freely use with each other, with a whole range of colors and shades of meanings. It's always derogatory in some sense but apparently acceptable.
It is in this sense that, to me, it's comparable in flavor to the "woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" slam.
The meaning of the word "nigger" in 2009 is much different than it was, say, in the 1930's – where I think if stories like "To Kill a Mockingbird."
I mean no disrespect to you guys. Thanks for voicing your thoughts.
Perry
Awesome stuff.You are blessed and such a blessing. Happy Fathers Day Perry.
Perry, You always hit things head on…I appreciate your commentary and agree completely…we all need to support the Million Man March…..
Hi Perry,
Thanks for that post. I'm really glad I subscribed to your stuff. You're one of the best. Even though I'm always busy and can't always read your emails right away, I just can't delete them w/o reading them later. There's always good stuff inside. You're teaching me a lot. And thanks for not putting a big fat affiliate link in EVERY message like most marketers do. You're showing a lot of respect for your audience…
God bless you & your family, Randy Hoese
I absolutely had to comment on this as well.
As a guy who works hard to provide for his family, I was working a full-time job – 8-9hrs/day, come home and continue working another 5-6 hrs on building up my own business (which I have now been able to do full-time!), I was working my ass off, getting maybe 4-5 hrs sleep and having to get up every morning to do it again until things lifted off.
I even had to slip in some time to wash the dishes!
Not only did I didn't get any appreciation for it, I was getting slack for it at the time. It was frustrating.
Luckily, it's better now, but after reading your post, I definitely have to say, stop beating up on guys.
I never disrespect women or anyone else, I don't expect the same. I still open doors for others, let ladies go first, etc, etc. I don't like being lumped in with a group and being called a pig just for being a guy. That's just not fair to the rest of us 90% of guys who aren't anything like that.
So Perry, I thank you for writing this post. Keep it coming.
Perry, we love you and know the purity of your heart. Without disrespecting any of the honest opinions of others on your choice of wording, for those of us who know you and your work with inner city African-Americans there in Chicago, as well as your very close friendship with David Bullock, not to mention your hands-on experiences with orphanages in Africa, we know where you truly stand on this issue and that it was by no means intended to come across in the wrong way.
A wise lady once said that what we hope our friends will do is, "separate the wheat from the chaff and, with the breath of kindness, blow the chaff away." I think this is one of those times where a friend would do well to "blow the chaff away".
All the best,
Tyson
P.S. Happy Father's Day!
I do have to admit I gasped for air when I saw the "N" word in this post. You don't have to go back to the 1930's. The 1970's in the Dirty South declared that word and the actions around the use of it as nothing less that murderous.
I do agree with you Perry that young African Americans today use this word in ways that it should never be used.
I will definitely cut you some slack. I believe you meant no harm. Do you really think those two statements have the same level or slander?
As you can tell…racism is still more offensive than sexism in some circles. Both are terrible nonetheless.
Very good post overall as always Perry.
This one will throw at least some your African American customers and subscribers off-track for a little while. It's still a hot button.
Perry – I feel a rant of my own coming on….I couldn't agree more with you. My dad is fricken Awesome, and fortunately my close family (that's my brother and my mum) appreciate him very much.
When I was growing up he worked really hard to provide for us, and still had energy (most evenings) to be a great dad. That's the best gift anyone could have.
to all the dads out there – much appreciation.
Hey Perry,
Happy Fathers Day…a day late.
Thank you for giving us a glimpse of your spirituality.
Why I think feminists and the liberal media try to down grade men is the fact that men are created in Gods image and its a blatant rebellion against God. God did create man first and then a helpmate to be at his side.
Hi Perry
I read all your posts and this one especially hit a cord. I live in england and wrote many years ago a review about your messages, which I was pleased to see came to light a few weeks ago in your testimonials. Pleased because when I saw it I felt that must have been good copy that you….Perry Marshall…wanted to use and still use.
I think that since then I've suffered writers block!
Back to this mail; it was the part about 'struggling entrepreneur' that made me stop and think. I am at that point in my life; been through a number of jobs been successful in some and not so in others. So too my relationships. I think private hurt sums the situation up perfectly. I have always been able to make a living, been able to provide and have 2 fine kids to be proud of. Now however just can't seem to get it right, I want, even need to get the success I desire from a business I have a true passion for… to help people get out of debt. But it is very true that sometimes even your best efforts just arn't good enough and I believe that I am not alone. This though makes Fathers Day all the more important to myself as I still get the thanks from my children for what I did for them in the past. I too give thanks to my Father who gave up so much for his children whilst alive.
One final thought. My daughters friend's father didn't see Fathers day this year. He died the week before. The family hurt from the way in which he died, but with Gods help will surely come to terms with the fact that during his life with them HE always provided and their lives were blessed from knowing him
Thank you Perry
Great message Perry – and thanks I had a great Father's day from my daughters (despite two of them being a bit ill at present) and wife.
One thing I don't understand – if your kids "Berenstain Bears" books have the wrong message why have they got them? Aren't these things the things that teach them about the world at a sensitive age and affect their values?
Mark, we've pointed out the message the Berenstain bears book has in it and now they notice. We don't shield our kids, we educate them. As long as they notice, it's Ok.
Thanks, Perry… nicely done.
I find value in all of your newsletters and today was no exception. You continue to inspire me and I look forward to sharing my success story with you shortly.
I love it. That's all I will say. Great Rant.
Just read your email – made me stop in my tracks. My office is quiet now. And for a brief moment in the midst of my entrepreneurial chaos, I feel validated by someobdy who understands what it's like.
Thank you for writing this – It's going to get printed and put on my bulletin board for future referance/inspiration.
Husband/Soon-To-Be-Father,
-Justin
Thank you Perry, even i am not a father, i feel i am not contibuting enought for the ones i love trying to be an entrepreneurship, thanks a zillion for your words
Perry,
I'm glad to see I'm not the only one with a problem with the Berenstein Bears books. I wond up refusing to buy my daughter any more of them.
regards,
John B
Greetings from the UK where dad's feel the same. Thanks for putting it into words – I was strangely moved
great post. But using the "n" word. thats a bit much. Come on Perry.
All the fuss about you using the "n-word" is ridiculous. In the context you used it: "How is that any less insulting than, say, calling someone a nigger?" it was entirely appropriate.
Furthermore, I personally feel it is no worse than calling women by the "c-word" (damn I hate that one) or black people calling whites by the "h-word" (I have a friend who worked for years at McDonald Douglas and was subjected to it daily.)
All those words and may others are used in a certain context to insult someone. In the context you used it, it wasn't. So get over it, people!
All this political correctness BS is stifling, and I think some people are just looking for a reason to feel slighted. How about you get real, and only take offense when you know offense is intended?
Again, this was a great post, and you said some things that needed to be said. All the hard-working Dads and Husbands in the world should say thanks to you for speaking their minds.
"The fact that he IS necessary, and that people DO depend on him in a very real way, is actually the source of his greatest pride. It's inseparable from his identity: At his core, he understands himself as the #1 defender and provider of those whom he loves."
You're triply tortured as an entrepreneur: you feel the constant burn inside to live to your potential, you can't spend the time with your family that you want to (at least at first), and along the way you fail.
And when you fail, or you fall short of your manly expectations for providing… man, your paragraph above illustrates how you pride is wounded.
Thanks for giving me inspiration to continue the battle.
Perry,
Wow. Somebody finally said it. Single Dad here, 4 kids who live with me, one with a host of medical issues – I work my a** off, am a struggling entrepreneur, and still get a hard time for not giving up on having my own business, or if I take a couple days for myself, which I do about 3x's a year. Your words are a comfort that my 16 yr.old daughter really needs to read:)! Thanks for honoring us Perry.
Perry,
I wandered in here after reading Michel Forten's blog post that lead me to your rant about "licking the boots." Right on man.
I love your emails and posts.
About Father's Day…
My father left an indelible mark on my life with his simple and profound statements. I owe an enormous debt of gratitude to him for having shaped the values that have propelled me into my adulthood.
Those same values now live through my children all the more as I have had the great honor and privilege of homeschooling my three boys (one of which is now my business partner.)
My parents pretty much cheered me on when I made that decision some fifteen years ago (my mom was a public school teacher at that time, by the way.)
I have been enormously blessed with a patient loving husband that has passed on a legacy of humility and wisdom to my three boys.
It's often said that women marry a man like their father.
I would say that is true in my case. I was able to spot a man of character a mile way when I met my husband 27 years ago. (Hard to believe it's been that long.) (-:
I've been enormously blessed with an amazing father, amazing husband and three amazing sons.
I couldn't ask for more.
Ann Sieg
Ann,
I think 99% of the people in the world truly underestimate the power of a great father. Everybody knows the mantra about kids' future prospects being proportional to their "socio-economic status." The untold story is – the REAL success factor is the presence and involvement of a strong loving Father. John Eldredge's superb book "Wild At Heart" addresses this in a most eloquent way.
Congrats on having great men in your life, may the legacy live on.
Perry
Always enjoy your sane, rationale and helpful take on things Perry. And "good-onya" for speaking out where others won't.
I appreciate you – and we don't tell people that often enough. (And you keep listening to that "still small voice" – what would we do without that Dad of dads.)
From one dad to another, in-time but out-of-season (we celebrate Father's Day in September in Australia), here's a big cyber-manly-hug in appreciation.
Thank you.
And a cyber man-hug back. Man-rant turns into a hug. What a strange world it is…