THE most powerful destructive force in the human race is shame.
There is nothing that holds any of us back more than the fear and terror that others will judge us and reject us as not good enough. Not measuring up. Not feeling worthy.
That’s a big enough challenge when you’re a regular guy or gal, paying the bills and being married and raising teenagers and whatnot. When you’re an entrepreneur and everything you do takes a risk of being accepted or rejected, when there are no guarantees of anything, you experience everything 2X.
My friend Dan Mack of Mack Elevation Forum sent me this TED video by Brene Brown. It’s one of the best descriptions I’ve ever seen of how we either embrace or avoid the real stuff of living; how we either fling ourselves into the full experience, or else medicate – and numb ourselves to life itself.
This gets to the heart of why some succeed and some fail, even when given the same tools and the same education. The #1 enemy you will conquer in your life is your fear of shame. Rise up, stare it down and face it:
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About the Author
Perry Marshall has launched two revolutions in sales and marketing. In Pay-Per-Click advertising, he pioneered best practices and wrote the world's best selling book on Google advertising. And he's driven the 80/20 Principle deeper than any other author, creating a new movement in business.
He is referenced across the Internet and by Harvard Business Review, The New York Times, INC and Forbes Magazine.
47 Comments on “The #1 enemy you will conquer in your life is SHAME.”
Thanks for the response, your insight is always appreciated!
Aman Tensue
Hey Perry,
great content by the way.
Got a bit of a question for you which is not congruent with this thread but more about using the skills i have acquired over the last 18 months.
Previously and still to this date, im involved in the network marketing industry which i am planning on leaving, however during thie period i have leanrt how to do Google PPC ( from your 2010 definitive guide) and Facebook ppc very well.
My intention is now to utilise these skills to develop a business and was hoping to tap into expertise as you may have some suggestions on the route i take.
Im 26 years of age, reside in London and want to develop a business that would replace my corporate income asap. Ive read things on previous posts where you discuss generating sales leads for local businesses and charging them on a lead basis? But what constitues a sales lead for my client, an opt-in? someone who downloads the white paper? an email requesting a consultation? A phone Call?
i know this is a bit long winded but wanted to tap into your knowledge so perhaps businesses can eventually tap into the skills i have developed :-)
look forward to hearing from you.
Aman Tensue
You sell the client whatever result they consider valuable, based on how much it is worth to them. How much does it cost them to acquire a new customer? How much does it cost to generate a lead? What would they pay for either of those events if they had a magic gumball machine that spit out leads or purchase orders? You sell that to them and you keep the difference.
Permission to fail. Try putting that on a resume or job posting!
Unfortunately it seems the worst of our leaders/CEO’s rise to the top, creating wonderful illusions that somehow they can solve our problems and when they fail or fall we make a spectacle sport of them.
It seems we get the leaders we deserve! And now we know why!
“Those who belittle, are little”
Brilliant video
Searchengineman
You should actually try putting that on your resume or a job posting a couple of times.
I guarantee you, you will be impressed with the results.
(Just make sure you have good answers ready for questions related to that subject.)
Thanks Perry. She’s a smart and funny lady. I enjoyed listening to her. For me though, I don’t get it. I have no concept of the internal emotional quandaries she discussed. Seems like an excessively complicated way to live.
Excellent video! This is a wonderful gift during this holiday season.
I like how you choose “Conquer” rather than “Encounter” for the title of this post.
Motivating video – really stuck a chord with me.
Now that’s what I call being ‘truefaced’. Great stuff Perry. Thanks for sharing.
Hey Perry,
Long time listener, first time caller. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your message is inspirational. From Moskine tweets of Positivity to relentless self discovery – I love it all.
Stay awesome Perry!
Nice to hear from you, Albert. You stay awesome too.
That was just fantastic! Everything Brene said really resonated with me, thanks so much for sharing.
I liked the start better than the end. She started with scientific research, she ended with talking like her therapist.
What impressed me the most was what she said about her research. Those that are the happiest in life are those that purposely sometimes step into the unknown.
I would have liked it better if she would have continued on her research and talk about why people avoid (numb) uncomfortable situations. Because there is a reason for that.
It’s mostly because, very simply, society judges and judges hard.
I remember something Perry wrote which was something like friends of his wife saying that she did marry a good guy, but that was only after he started making some real money. When I see something like that been said, my conclusion right away is: That means that his wife has been told (for years) she married a loser. Maybe not in those exact words, but people made it clear.
Society is a bitch, but only if you care about what others think about you. (That is in the end, the conclusion of that video.)
Peter,
To me one of the most interesting things Dr. Brown mentioned was her professor who said, “If you can’t measure it, it’s not real.” This is essentially what the Logical Positivists and the Vienna Circle were saying Pre-WWII. Kurt Gödel demonstrated that this cannot be true with his famous Incompleteness Theorem. He proved mathematically that there are always more things that are true than you can prove. Godel’s discovery has enormous consequences that are still not generally appreciated.
I’m not quite sure which story you’re referring to re: my wife’s friends. I think that in general our friends were always very kind to us in that regard. I don’t really feel that our personal friends became more accepting of us just because the business started working. I do remember one friend, Angela, who had to buy coffee for Laura one day because she literally had zero money, said, “Honey, your husband’s going to be really successful some day, I just know it.” I don’t know how she knew that but I’ve gotta tell you, that really meant a lot to both of us. It had been a HARD month.
I do have a lot of friends who are financially struggling, and what they need most is unconditional acceptance and lack of judgment by their friends. Ironically, that’s how we learn to stop judging ourselves which many times then gives us permission to succeed.
Perry,
I was more talking about society in general than one’s closest friends. But how people treat you and what they think are 2 different things. And it doesn’t mean they don’t like you either. Luckily many people can like other people regardless of how successful they are.
About the Incompleteness Theorem. I agree with it. I think however, that if you turn it around, the statement is true. If it doesn’t exist, you can’t measure it.
Yet, people are pretty good at proving things exists, even though they don’t. It all depends on one’s frame of reference. Usually the frame of reference is made small when people try to prove something that doesn’t exist. It then isn’t about the measuring, but about definitions and opinions. It’s the difference between believing and knowing. I’m not talking about religious believes here, but about for example, the believe that Google is against one’s Adwords campaign. These kinds of believes block one’s ability to face the real issue, which is of course, the shame of admitting you don’t understand PPC advertising yet.
Thanks for sharing.. it’s like going back to my first sales training…. I was told that it is ok for prospect to say NO to you… they are not rejecting you… it’s just that the product/service you are offering is not what they need at the moment.
As far as i want to believe this is true, I could not… every time a prospect give me a “NO” … i feel rejected, ashamed and I feel lousy… quiting the sales job is always the No. 1 thing in my mind.
It took me a lot of courage and time to overcome the fear of rejection… and that enough “NO” will lead to a “YES”
And I feel great after I overcome this “rejection” obstacle and I beleive i have conquered SHAME in my life!
Perry – thankyou for sharing this. A real gem! Lots to think about both personally and professionally.
Nicole
In any case, a strong message that helps with either is valuable to me. Thanks for posting the video.
Perry,
Thank you for this wonderful post. I just started watching T.E.D. videos and this one is a gem. I appreciate it.
Thanks, Perry, for an enlightening and entertaining video. I took copious notes and will be looking for more from Brene’ Brown.
I was also heartened by your comment referring to the Genesis story from the Bible, a book that is banned from public discourse by many and misunderstood by most of the rest. I respect the courage that displays.
Anything you have to say is definitely on the short list of those I accept information from.
Now I pretty much understand why our country is in a lot of trouble.
If it takes 6 years of research, thousands of responses and a year of therapy for a phd to finally discover that the left wing elitist philosophy of “we’re better than you” isn’t working, then we’re in a lot more trouble with our educational system than I thought. Twenty minutes with the Bible might have made this epiphany moment a little clearer.
Shame on our educators for not getting it.
Mad Guy
Thanks for sharing a great message!
I am spiritually strengthened by this video. Thank you for sharing it with your readers.
Perry,
Firstly, upon what do you base your supposition: “The #1 enemy you will conquer in your life is your fear of shame.”
Secondly, as the ninth century Zen Master Huang Po said: “Only renounce the error of intellectual or conceptual thought-processes and your nature will exhibit its pristine purity…”
So, why all this 20 min of talking about nothing?
Peace,
Stan
Stan,
My statement that shame is our #1 enemy comes from the most enduring story in western civilization, the account of Adam and Eve in Genesis 2 and 3. Upon the creation of this wonderful paradise, just before everything goes swirling down the commode, this is the concluding statement:
“Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”
The very next thing that happens is the serpent tempts them to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Then:
She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. 7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.
8 Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden. 9 But the LORD God called to the man, “Where are you?”
10 He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.”
11 And he said, “Who told you that you were naked?
Man and woman have been running, manipulating each other and hiding from each other and from God ever since.
The whole Judeo-Christian narrative is fundamentally about reclaiming humanity from shame. Muslims believe this story too, so this story deeply resonates with half the world’s population. Whether you take this story as literal or allegorical is really beside the point. Because it’s rich with meaning about the human condition. Whether you’re a business coach, marriage therapist, social worker or high school counselor, you see people struggling mightily with shame every day.
The opening statement on your own home page is “The Self itself is the world; the Self itself is ‘I’; the Self itself is God.” I understand from your statement that you will not agree with much of what I said, because you believe that man is God. I most emphatically believe that man is not God, and that man’s desire to elevate himself to the level of God is the source of all human evil. Shame comes from the fact that deep down we all know that we are not God, and we have an innate sense of our imperfection.
Perry,
Your long “explanation” of why “The #1 enemy you will conquer in your life is your fear of shame” doesn’t explain anything.
Besides, I am not alone in not fearing a shame; it is easy for me to stay away from it, as it is for innumerable humans.
I used to follow a religion, like you do now. There are no advantages or benefits for either one of us; as long as this statement is taken into account: “Truth has no form and no name, while religions go by rules and rituals.”
Finally, what gave you the idea that on my site men are equated with God?
You are misquoting what’s said there; here is the original:
‘The Self (Capital Self) = the Real You; self = ego/mind/body – the “small” you.
We live by Ramana Maharshi’s words: “The Self itself is the world; the Self itself is ‘I’; the Self itself is God.”‘
Presumably, you and I are still of the “self” status. When Enlightenment comes, you become the Self and you are one with God.
Where you live, in “in western civilization” you, or rather your religious leaders, make up a god and his image for your consumption.
In timeless spirituality, Avatars and sages use the names like the Self, the One Mind, the Absolute. This is my God.
Peace,
Stan
Stan,
Your site says:
The Self (Capital Self) = the Real You; self = ego/mind/body – the “small” you.
We live by Ramana Maharshi’s words: “The Self itself is the world; the Self itself is ‘I’; the Self itself is God.”
You are saying that the Real You is God.
If I am a “Real You” and if I am a man, then you are equating man to God.
Hey Perry great write up. I always enjoy your post. I am working on getting my PPC up to par and your help, advise and products are getting me there
I just wanted to drop a quick thank you
Jim
More power to ya, Jim!
What the hell Perry that was remarkable. What kind of a site is this certainly alot more than it appears. Thank you for sharing this I was blown away.
Phenomenal. I love TED talks, and I love that you put this one up.
You, Perry, are encouraging me to take risks.
Thank you.
These type of things are why I continue to open EVERY EMAIL you send. Your email is a box of chocolates. (Que Forrest Gump) Thanks
Jonathan
I think I’d have to slightly disagree – I still think fear is the #1 obstacle, with shame / guilt / low self-worth a tight runner-up. (I’m also a big fan of the work of a certain fellow named Nathaniel Branden, where his definition of self-esteem squarely addresses both fear and shame through building self-confidence and self-worth.)
Good stuff.
This is a wonderful video! I too am going through my own personal spiritual awakening so this is timely.
I’m disappointed that you mentioned/promoted your friends name and link, but you didn’t give an ounce of credit to this wonderful woman Brene Brown or provide a link to her blog which you can reach at:
http://www.brenebrown.com/
This is her brilliant, hard won content and I am very grateful that you shared. Just give credit where credit is due. That’s what social media is all about.
I see you added a link in the post. I’m sure this was just an oversight. Thanks again for this post, it was very powerful.
THX for sharing – worth the 20 minutes many times over
Thanks for sharing this Perry. This video really hits close to home. We can all relate to this one on some level.
Perry,
Hello the video says it all!
In order to rid ourselves of shame and blame, we must face it down and accept who we are.Many times I believe, this means acknowledging that we need help in working through the challenges,but we do become authentic,passionate grateful,caring people when we “out do” the shame game and become vulnerable to people, and to life,with its ups,downs,good and bad.
This video is priceless,and I thank you for sharing it.
Perry,
Your headline caught my attention. Not only did I listen to her talk twice, I posted to one of my sites with my own summary. Her take on vulnerability is something I had to learn about decades ago and still need to practice better.
— Thanks, Roger
Perry, thanks so much for sharing this with us. What a wonderful and necessary message. Very eye opening. There is so much to learn from this rather short video.
If you truly want a better life, watch this video and take the message to heart. Instead of trying to numb the pain, embrace it. Only by opening up to our shame can we overcome the fear.
I would recommend this to everyone I know. If you take the message to heart, it will enrich your life.
Funny and insightful. Thanks for posting it!
It reminds me of a webinar I once attended titled, “Why Does it Seem that People Have to Hit Bottom Before They Can Succeed?”
I think this speaker answers that question well. Hitting bottom strips us of our illusions. It strips us of our self-deceptions about who we are. It lets us see ourselves at our most vulnerable.
That either breaks us — or it enables us to move forward understanding and embracing our vulnerability so that we can focus beyond the end of our noses and truly see how both our strengths and our weaknesses can benefit others.
Hey Perry….
I know this isn’t your Christian blog, but since she’s talking about meaning and purpose… If she would have read the bible, she could have cut down her research time considerably since it’s all there and explained via stories and real (imperfect) lives.
As I was watching and listening, I just kept thinking, wow that’s what happened to me as soon as I researched Jesus and found out He really is who He said He was/is and gave my life to him accordingly.
I became vulnerable and it was like I was in “therapy” with Him for years! LOL… That was 1994 and I feel like I’m just getting over the major discomfort of vulnerability.
Kev
Perry –
You always find the most relevant things to share…I can’t think of one person I know who doesn’t need to watch and really hear this.
God bless!
Scott
Another Marshall gem. Thanks Perry
Takeaway line for Therapists, & me:
“You cannot selectively numb emotions. You can’t numb vunerability, greif, shame, fear, dissapointment without also numbing joy, gratitude, happiness”
Wow.
We’re a couple of weeks away from the end of the decade. If I can choose only one 20 minute YouTube video to watch this decade, this is the one.
Thanks for sharing it.
Wonderful talk, Perry. Thanks for sending this.