The Federal Trade Commission announced today that starting January 1, 2017, the use of personality in marketing will be forbidden by federal law.
According to the Office of the Executive Director, “Flamboyant personalities have foisted fraudulent schemes on the public for years, allowing enterprising individuals to prey on unsuspecting consumers who believed that they would receive benefits from their purchases. We are combating this by demanding the removal of all personality elements from advertising.”
The Director of the FTC also informs us that the issuing of guarantees will be punished by federal prison sentences.
In order to aid agents in rapid investigation of web merchants, layout of sales pages must conform to section 13.701.56 which dictates a standardized specification for sales information.
Candidates running for political office in the Democratic and Republican parties will be exempt from these rules, as well as being exempt from all telemarketing and truth in advertising laws.
These exemptions will not extend to Independent or Write-In candidates.
The FTC’s new rules also provide additional stipulations:
-50% standard discount for oppressed people groups who comprise less than 5% of the population including ethnic minorities, illegal immigrants, LGBTs, feminists, lawyers, native Americans, and retired citizens who work as greeters at Wal-Mart.
-All emails must be sent from government server and approved by US patent & trademark office – 18 months approval time
-All sales and marketing departments having more than ten staff members must employ at least one homeless person. If said homeless person finds a home, a new one must be hired.
-1 cent subsidy on emails and Facebook News Feed posts payable to United States Postal Service
Finally, the new rules make a provision for a “Compassion Clause” – 1% of companies will be selected at random, assets seized & liquidated, and given to the teachers union.
The FTC’s Bureau of Consumer Protection stops unfair, deceptive and fraudulent business practices by conducting investigations and suing companies and people that break the law.
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About the Author
Perry Marshall has launched two revolutions in sales and marketing. In Pay-Per-Click advertising, he pioneered best practices and wrote the world's best selling book on Google advertising. And he's driven the 80/20 Principle deeper than any other author, creating a new movement in business.
He is referenced across the Internet and by Harvard Business Review, The New York Times, INC and Forbes Magazine.
51 Comments on “FTC Outlaws Personality”
The really hilarious thing is how I just knew you must have inside information no one else had. I checked three search engines with quotes from your email, and found nothing. Was about to email you asking you to source it, (link) when I tried to read your petition. Got quite annoyed when there WAS no petition to sign. Began doubting you as serious about changing this, then doubted your truthfulness (say whaaattt? no, not Perry…)
And then (finally) the comments. But hey, what good is an april fool’s joke if it’s not seriously believed . Oh, and by the way don’t you EV ER do that to my blood pressure again (NOT jokin.
Susan,
The comments you see here show how NOT surprised people would be to see the government do some of this stuff. We live in crazy times.
You TOTALLy had me going there! Not really funny, I was pretty freaked out. (I;m fine now, though)
Too funny! I didn’t read any emails all weekend, was going through my normal ‘reply, file, or delete’ process… and stumbled upon your email. It gave me a good laugh but you had me at the beginning. Then I looked at the date. Whew.!
Probably the most real FTC action is the “1-cent subsidy on emails….” Government knows that our laziness to send off a chatty little email instead of a real letter is putting the post office out of business. That 1-cent subsidy will save a lot of jobs.
Damn you, Perry! You’re on the small list of “gurus” whose emails I open. Why? Credibility. Your subject caused a “what the…” Reaction from me. I was traveling on the first and just getting around to my inbox. So the date wasn’t a thought. The “government server” is where my BS meter redlined. Good job.
When I read this “communist-law”, I just thought that Bernie Sanders was already elected president of the USA ;-) #Joke
I was believing it until “Wall Mart greeters”. I wouldn’t put it past our esteemed government to put such a law in place. Total government control is the name of the game in today’s political arena isn’t it?
Reminds me of Atlas Shrugged – the sad thing is, this really could happen in this country –
Wow Dude! My blood pressure dropped like crazy for a minute there. Good one!
I graduated high school at 16. And yet, you got me!
The best part was the random selection of companies to seize and turn over to the teachers union. We really do need a more educated populace ;)
LOL, as I was reading it out loud to my wife, she fell for the whole thing. Then said I should check Snopes. It was an awesome April fools prank.
At first I was like… “What the…?” – but then I remembered it was April 1st. LOL! Good one!
Ha ha, nothing like a good april foolsday joke.
Ha Ha Ha. Perry did you get this inspiration while you were in that famous shower of yours?
My shower never fails.
PS spell check is a bitch with bilingual fun :-)
So the closing (en Español) …. — saludos — NOT salads :-)
Got me for a minute there!!!! Good job & happy weekend to all from Spain! salads amigos, Dan
Perry, I already had a slight headache this morning and when I read that you made my head really hurt.
I used to be in IT. Many of you don’t know that the government has tried to regulate and charge for email before (and it wasn’t a joke).
Wow. Can’t believe I was fooled for a few moments. But as I read on it got to be too unbelievable and I realized it was April Fool’s Day.
I think the reason any of us were fooled is because we already trust you Perry. If not I wouldn’t have even opened that email.
Have a good day :)
This is ALL Obama’s fault….maybe Bush’s fault. I don’t know now. I am so confused I’m going on vacation now with Trump and Hillary.
Got me. I had already started figuring out how to speed up my John Galt plan. Lol
Oh no, what is so very sad is that I, an intelligent person, was given pause (and panic) by your email and the thought of such a horrendous concept!
Your April Fools Day email got me! Thanks Perry!
Nice work Perry. I forgot it was April fools and I fell for it. You got me!
How does one make sure that a person is homeless? Make the person
show them their “un-home?”
That was a classic! The point that I missed on first reading was…THIS COULD ACTUALLY HAPPEN! The FTC and the EPA HAVE RUN AMOK
and RAMPANT FOR YEARS….
Virtually “unchecked” in our political
system of “checks & balances”!!!
Nice.
Haaaa! I was like “crap… this is outrageous!” You got me, Perry! You’re funny… what’s your home address again?
Delighted to wish you a Happy April Fool’s Day, Perry. Tough to choose which part of this message I enjoyed the most!
I was so ready to sign that petition! Good work Perry, thanks to a nice day of playing golf and drinks with friends, I completely forgot it’s April 1st!
This time the government has gone too far – I am OUTRAGED! *slams his fist on the table*
Taking a break from editing a podcast, saw your e-mail. As I read, I rolled my eyes…believable enough with this crew in DC. Look what they did with the blanket wrap folks a year or two ago. Then I hit the part about political exemption. Ding! It’s April 1st. I feel so sheepish! Good one, Perry!
Phew.
That was well crafted.
I was curious, then confused, then agitated, then amused.
I expected it to become a lesson about the Nigerian prince and
falling prey to charlatans. In the end, it is simple entertainment.
Thank you.
Your April Fool’s Day post was ‘way better than Seth Godin’s today!
I was about to say you gotta be “shitting” me, then I got to this page and was reminded that it was April Fool’s.
And Atlas Shrugged…
Nicely done. The sad thing is that there are actually people who would agree with everything you wrote as being a great idea!
Hysterical!!! Reading it I said this has to be an April Fool’s or my bags are packed and I’m buying that island the internet real estate marketing guru sold me.
Very Good post, and very fun.
You are in rare form, Perry!
Good satire, but a bit too obvious as an April Fool’s joke, although it’s not as far off as it might seem…
You got me! I figured this was BS. Then I started to believe for a split second that our personal liberties were decaying before my eyes.
Hilarious! Have to admit that using a government server made me shudder the most- lol!
Haha.. First I was convinced. Then I thought you got spoofed…
..Then I realized I was spoofed.
As Mr T might say, “Happy April Fool!”
Phew, that actually got me worked up for a little bit! nice one Perry!
Thank you very much sir Perry Marshal .. is a measure of caution very good, I say
Yeah. And on Par with the Gag that Trump is running for President… Oh, wait.
Har-Har. On par with the NY Post’s gag in the 90s that Trump was to build a skyscraper in Central Park.
Happy AF.
Good one Perry. April Fools.
Happy April 1st Perry! I particularly liked the bit about issuing guarantees being punishable by prison!