When I was 17, a junior in high school, I quit my first job as a janitor to go full time in my speaker-building business. Back then, “full time” really just meant after school and weekends. For the rest of high school, my money came from the business I ran out of my mom and dad’s garage.
A few months later I went to a local stereo shop, “Sound Dimensions” and pitched the owner on carrying my line of speakers in his retail store. After he told me what the markups had to be and what “2% / Net 30 / 1.5% per Month” terms meant, we shook hands. As a manufacturer of audio equipment, I now had my first dealer.
At the time, my dad was in the hospital. He was losing a battle with cancer.
But on that day I was excited and dark clouds seemed far away. I drove over to the hospital, found him in an upbeat mood. He completely LIT UP when I told him about my deal with Marv.
He was so proud, he was bragging to all his co-workers who came in to visit him about #1 son, 17 year old entrepreneur.
My dad had grown up on a farm, working the land from boyhood. Up to that point, dad had not been shy about voicing his concerns that #1 son was lazy.
Dad didn’t really understand me – I was spacy and imaginative, being what I now describe as “entrepreneurially lazy” – always looking for some way to short-cut the dumb jobs.
After that day visiting him at this hospital, I was never again afraid that deep down I might be lazy. As I recall he succumbed to the disease about six weeks later.
***It was not until many years later that I realized how important dad’s approval was in fueling my confidence for the future.***
America has a peculiar deficiency in that we have no official “rite of passage” for declaring boys to be men.
Many cultures have some kind of ceremony – for example the Jewish Bar Mitzvah. But I never had anything like that; most people don’t. There’s no point where someone comes out and says “OK, you’re a man now. You have permission to enjoy the privileges and responsibilities of manhood, and join the adult world.”
Instead we have “teen years” which is kind of a no-mans land of quasi-responsibility that extends from age 13 to the mid 30’s. (Did you know that the word teenager didn’t even exist before the 1930’s? Did you know that the very concept of the teen years is a recent, artificial construction of the 20th century? But I digress…)
This is disastrous. More to the point, many men privately question their manhood. They go through life feeling like dad never really approved of them. Some guys have never heard their dad say “Hey son, I’m really really proud of what you’ve done in your life.”
There are few things sons need to hear more from their dads than that. Sure, we’ve all heard it from mom, but that’s not the same. The connection between a father and a son is unique, a dad’s blessing is coveted. A mom is no substitute for a dad, any more than a father is a substitute for a mother. Kids need both.
This turns a lot of psychologically unhealthy, neurotic, insecure men out into the world.
Some become workaholics; others traverse the expressway in a haze of lethargy each day, blankly following the license plate just ahead.
Men are motivated to impress their father, but for some it’s an impossible goal. Maybe he’s never going to be impressed, or maybe he’s not even alive. They go through life with an insatiable craving for approval they’re not even conscious of.
If I just described you, this hardly qualifies a fix-your-inner-child newsletter. But surely it’s worth asking yourself if some misplaced motivation like this, some elusive insecurity could invisibly motivate you, perhaps drive you but with no sense of direction.
Or maybe Dad told you you’d never amount to anything, and a string a failures is a symptom of a crippled belief system.
And having said all that, if you have a son, never ever forget that he desperately craves your approval. Not just knowing that you approve of certain things he does, but that you approve of him as a man and as a human being. That he has your blessing to go out into the big wide world and succeed. He needs few things from you more than that.
I’m not your dad, but I still bless you in your struggle for the legal tender; to do something great with your life instead of being just a wage slave.
To all the kids who call you dad, I give you just one assignment: Give them your blessing today. They desire it with every fiber of their being.
Happy Father’s Day.
Perry Marshall
Share This Post
About the Author
Perry Marshall has launched two revolutions in sales and marketing. In Pay-Per-Click advertising, he pioneered best practices and wrote the world's best selling book on Google advertising. And he's driven the 80/20 Principle deeper than any other author, creating a new movement in business.
He is referenced across the Internet and by Harvard Business Review, The New York Times, INC and Forbes Magazine.
27 Comments on “A Story for Dads”
I used to build speakers too Perry, here in Tampa.
I used good drivers and crossover parts.
I enjoyed your story.
One of the most important realizations I had as a son, was actually a quote from Bull Durham, “He’s just your father, man – he’s as full of [brown stuff] as anybody.”
It was one of those key moments in my life when I took dad off the pedestal and started looking at all his behavior as just another guy trying to get his needs met, and often failing miserably.
My pops can burn a 40+ year old bridge like in nothing flat. If I have an opinion, he is certain to disagree with it. I’m mildly surprised he made it to 68. But, yea, deep down in there I know he trusts and respects me.
Every now and then he drops some knowledge on me that I said months ago that he disagreed with at the time. :)
A very cool story indeed, Perry.
My all-time favorite Dad story involves him waking me up at what seemed to be middle of the night (we lived in Mexico City, so the time zone was different) to have me listen “live” to a baseball game that would turn into a perfect game.
My Dad was still passionate about the Dodgers even after they moved from Brooklyn, and somehow instilled that “Dodger Blue” mentality into us 4 boys enough to know that we’d love hearing Sandy Koufax finish the deed, even at that ungodly hour…
That’s but one example of all the great stuff he did for us as a Dad – It’d be great if we all had such stories to relate but I suspect your observation is correct!!
What about children of same-sex parents, two dads or two moms? Are they doomed? Or just ‘exempt’?
You can’t get from two moms what you need from a dad, and you can’t get from two dads what you need from a mom.
RIGHT ON!!
Dad’s relationship with daughters are just as important too. If a dad witholds love from a daughter, she’s statistically much more likely to become sexually promiscuous, all in a desperate attempt to fill the hole of her father’s love.
Something we’ve done to address the lack of a “rite of passage” when our kids turned 13 is to invite family and church friends over for a rite of passage party, and ask each person to speak a word of blessing/prayer over the new teenager. Which we do of course as well. It’s great to have adults speaking such things into young people. We forget how important that is to a young person growing up.
Riveting story Perry as always… My Dad story is that After watching a TV programme about UK bomber command during WWII I phoned my Dad. (He was a Navigator in a Halifax heavy bomber, was shot down, ditched in the English channel, picked up by a German boat and spent 18 months in prison camps – during which he heard that his only remaining brother had been killed at Monte Cassino in Italy). It was a very emotional call during which I told him how much I loved and respected him. That he was my hero. 2 weeks later he died suddenly of a heart attack at the age of 83. I am still so grateful that I had that last talk with my Dad. Guys, say what you have to say, in the living years.
One of your best newsletters Perry!
We all need reminding of these ‘core truths’ from time to time; and definitely THE most powerful way to do this is through a personal story.
This is so important. I struggled in my younger years to outdo my favored older brother and gain my father’s respect. Never got it. Any successes I had were actually resented, as they flew in the face of his belief that I wasn’t living the right way (i.e. his way). He died while I was still attending the college he said I could never get into (they had rejected my “better” brother), and the man’s last words to me were “I worry about you.” I’m sorry I never got any approval from him, and also sorry he didn’t live long enough for me to call him out on it.
And decades later, it leaves a deep mark – always this destructive sense of not being good enough. Not on the surface, but it’s there – and if I don’t see it for what it is on occasion, it grows.
Your post today helped me look at it again, and I imagined an alternate reality where my father had been proud of me, and imagined how I would feel about myself. Odd I have to do that after all these years, but something I share with other men, as I’ve learned during a few unguarded discussions after a few drinks. Men never forget being rejected by a father. We go on with our lives, have kids and grandkids, but that scar is always there.
The best thing you can do as a father is to let kids know you’re proud of them, even if you’re not feeling it at the moment. You never know, you might be run over by a truck tomorrow and that expression of pride and love will be something that help will get them through their entire lives.
@ Derryck above, you might want to try asking your father straight out. The conversation may not go well, but you might be pleasantly surprised. He may not realize, as I am sure my father didn’t, what he’s doing. Once he’s gone, though, you can only wonder.
Bill I recommend that you read the book wild at heart by John Eldredge.
I really liked the story. I can relate because my father also passed away from cancer when I was about 20 years old.
I can’t say that I can remember a point that my father told me I was a man, because in the American culture it’s very rare for men to be more emotional and express their felling as much as mothers do. There wasn’t a specific moment at all, but I do remember that my father wanted my brother and I to learn how to hunt so we could go deer hunting together, which is something really common in Utah. After i completed the hunters education, we did go on our first deer hunt. I can’t remember all of the details, but I do remember that by the days end we did get one. I remember that well, because my father made me drag it all the way to the truck. I suppose that I felt like a man at that point, because I was participating in an old tradition that dates back to cavemen, which was bringing the meat back home for the family to eat.
My point here being that I believe that we all have specific moments of being together with our fathers where we could really bond. Maybe we didn’t have a father who could express themselves very well, but in their own way they show their approval of their children. The challenge now is to better than our fathers to our children so that our fathers’ legacy can be passed on to future generations.
He passed away on October 14th, 1978 at his age of 68. I passed him and am 69. He was an entreprenuer of the age, and rose from devastating ruins of WW2. He has lots to tell me, being the eldest of his five children. But I was too busy dating with beauties. This is my greatest regret that I completely missed him and his story of building his own business. As his death day approaches, I hit my own head to pray for him. Yes, we lived in Yokohama, Japan
Well said! So many men and women totally miss how important this is. It’s a much more powerful message when it comes from other men. Thank you!
Lovely story Perry and thanks so much for acknowledging that fundamental need to connect with and be approved by your father. I think you (and others who have commented) are spot on with your thoughts on the lack of initiation for men (in particular) into adult society and the problems that can cause.
I love my Dad and he’s great to spend time with but I can never remember him saying he is proud of me. I’m a very different person to my father – and I’m fairly successful and accomplished in different ways – but I have no idea whether he respects me for who I am and the path I’ve chosen or whether I have turned out to be a disappointment to him. I literally have nothing to go on.
I’m so aware of the choices – often poor choices – I’ve made in order to compensate for that absence of approval but that awareness doesn’t stop me from feeling that something is missing. It’s something that nags at me and I wish to hell it would go away so I could fully engage with the things that make me happy and stop trying to do the things that I feel would earn my dad’s approval.
Being a father myself now, I make damn sure that my kids are in no doubt that I accept them for who they are and that I respect their choices, even though they’re different to mine. Telling my kids every day that I love them and that I’m proud of them feels like such an easy thing to do for me that I wonder why it was so difficult for my dad? One can only wonder.
Forgive the ramble – I read your posts with interest but something struck a chord today and I felt I wanted to share. I think it’s crucial for men of our generation to recognise the influence they have as fathers and use it positively. Thanks for the words and I hope you enjoyed your father’s day – I know I did!
Thank you for sharing your story.
Thanks for your story. It really shows to others that you find that time in your life that you really need belief to move forward. You show your laziness until you know where that dedication comes out. Thanks again for sharing. Happy Father’s Day.
Beautifully said, Perry.
Happy Father’s Day.
Dov Gordon
You are right Perry, for most people life is a battle to prove your worth to your dad. I am doing that every day and haven’t got there yet. But I am enjoying every bit of the journey.
Peace to the World,
Kishore
Just appreciation for a well-timed message from a dad who needed to hear that today.
Thanks, Perry, for touching people with your head, heart and hand.
Tim
Lots of life lessons to my college bound son. Got 7 more kids after him.
Thanks Tremendously Perry, for the post. whether One is not a great dad or a great dad, or not a dad, or not a dad as yet, This story pertains to every single one. you spoke directly to me also, because i am a dad, and probably crippled a bit or alot form childhood, even if I see my Dad, now deceased, as a great Dad. Although he was a serious man, and strict, but in a nice way, because he had some humor about him, sometimes, unexpectedly. my memories are good. i’m blessed to realize that I told him when he was alive that He has influenced me, even in hes actions, very few times in words, with encouragement. When I got some subjects at 17 in St. Lucia – General certificate of education, British equivalent to SAT’s in the US. – I’m from St. Lucia – He surprisingly lift me literally lift me up. I was already a little bigger than him. I felt awkward at the time, but relish this today. i’m now 55. He died at 82 9 years ago. Now as a father, my 1st son is estranged from me. not in a n abgry way but I was never married to his mom. My second son fist with my wife is fine, but. I realize I have allot of work to do, with him. even at 23. He has not completed college, but is working. But I have to balance my relationship with him and the family – wife and daughter, now 19 my daughter. I have an interesting family. And i believe everyone’s family is interesting to them. Good or bad. But as long as we are alive, I believe god has allowed us to live to salvage whatever love we have to encourage our children. I thank you tremendously for this post Perry. Since there is alot that could be said and I have said the gist of it I will stop here.
Happy Father’s Day to you too Perry and to all of your clients (my fellow clients.) God Bless.
Hi,
Its really a wonderful story about the pride a father feels for the achievement of his achievement, however small or inconsequential it may be. That being so it is also true that most dad’s stop short of saying many things that they want to communicate.
From now on I shall tell what I always wanted to tell my son and of course my daughter.
Perry,
Your Dad story was touching and surely regardless of where your Dads conscious awareness is now, I’m sure he looks down on you with the same amount of pride.
Wish I had the same type of story to tell but alas, though I had a father, I never had a Dad. But now I have your story and if you don’t mind I’ll take it as my own for the day.
Thanks for sharing
I have often thought that we as Americans lacked some form of a rite of passage… like the Pink Floyd song said “no one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun…” As kids we are programmed to need permission. This is a good thing, but at some point we need to give the kids permission to grow up and take responsibility for themselves.
I had a friend who went to the local hardware store and bought a prefab door with a door frame and set it up in her back yard. It was there for a couple of years when her son was a teenager. She told him that when he was ready, he would go through the door (the door didn’t go anywhere, it was just standing there in the middle of the yard). And when he was ready, they had a small ceremony which culminated with him stepping through it. That day he joined the ranks of adulthood, and he went on to do great things.
Just because we as Americans don’t have a socially accepted rite of passage, that doesn’t mean we as individuals can’t invent our own.
Food for thought… I’m going to play with my kids now, happy father’s day!
I’d hoped that My Husband would see The Day of Our Wedding as The Ceremony to acknowledge that–at least in My Eyes–He Was NOW “Man Enough” To Marry.
Guys who never marry can forever remain…
Like “Peter Pan & The Lost Boyz of Neverland”…
Kids Who NEVER Grow UP…
IF They Don’t–
wanna
Perry, here is another email so beautiful that I had to write to you.
You are my preferred copywriter (maybe because we have a similar writing style, starting from a story that seems out of the blue, but at the same time you sense there is a connection… and then you drop the bomb. Awesome.).
Being a dad is by far the most important thing in my life (I am single parent). No, it is THE IMPORTANT thing in my life.
My dad (still alive) is a very intelligent and cultured man, he has a real knack for writing poetry and plays but when he attempted to be an entrepreneur it has been a disaster. I grew up thinking that being an entrepreneur was too risky, in fact. At the same time he passed to me the idea that working for the man is so shitty that I couldn’t do it for long. So I ended up being a professional since my early 20s but never making too much money because “business is risky”.
I understood how important is my role as a dad, an example role in first place and an approval role in second place. And I did my best with my son who is graduating in a few days.
And my son is far bolder and self confident than his old guy. He decided he didn’t want to be a slave so no college. He wants to be an entrepreneur. He will start travelling to Asia and see what he finds there while his online business will make some money. (Well I hope they will because so far he is still studying but I have faith in him. And he knows that)
I pushed him well beyond what he felt he could do and what I coudl see, when we came to the US from abroad (he was 14, he barely spoke English, had just started high school…he didn’t want to move but I kicked our asses and we did it). And now he has enough self confidence to decide to go to Asia on his own with just some savings, his brain and his guts (and hopefully some websites making money!)
P.S. Would it make sense to do some IM teaching for teens? You are one of the gurus of this market and even if you are focused on B2B more than consumers… I think you have the right sensitivity for that.
I’ll post something on the Facebook page and see how much response there is re: teenage entrepreneurs.