Here’s part 2 of Kevin’s confessional….
After losing a couple hundred bucks gambling last night I left the casino feeling ashamed and depressed, knowing I could not let my wife nor anyone else in on my shame (except maybe one of my brothers who is also my best friend) because of the response I know I would deserve but knowing I can’t bear to face more shame…and knowing I don’t have the money to be such a damned fool.
As an aside to explain the above money comment, due to the real estate market and taking a huge (for me) hit last year, I am so far in debt as to feel hopeless financially at this point, so losing money gambling is almost a surrender to the inevitable (or so it seems) bankruptcy proceedings…
I am over $200K in the hole on credit cards and the credit card companies are starting to freeze my accounts due to high balances across the board and taking away any hope of riding this out without a total bankruptcy filing. I have a meeting with a bankruptcy attorney this afternoon.
My company has, more or less, stayed at or about a break-even over the past couple years (about $70K in the hole, but that was manageable compared to now), so even with the bankruptcy, if I do file, I will probably limp along with the company.
But honestly, I am tired of limping along…I believe I can do better and be better…I just can’t pull myself up by my bootstraps, so to speak. I can assent mentally to all you wrote, but moving that to action can be daunting. I haven’t had a decent vacation in 4 years and don’t see one in the near future and I am just tired.
You are right, I believe, that I sabotage myself because I feel I don’t deserve to succeed because if I succeed I will do what I’ve done in the past and blow money on stuff that doesn’t build me up but just tears me down and hurts my family.[Perry here…. pay close attention to this next part:]
I think inside there is a fear that with wealth would come total destruction. In my heart I know I’m not that far off that as it is. I can tell myself I deserve it as much as anyone else because we are all depraved by nature, but my heart and gut tell me otherwise.
I am not giving up the struggle though, either personally or financially…quoting the famous philosopher Dory in “Finding Nemo,” I will “just keep swimming.”
Watch your inbox for Part 3.
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