Merry Christmas!
I don’t know what you got, but I got a toddler. 22 pounds of boundless energy!
Our last meal together as a family of six: Breakfast on the Saturday after Thanksgiving
A week ago today we touched down from our 13 hour plane ride from Hong Kong. That’s a long trip under any circumstances. It’s even more interesting with an adopted 1 1/2 year old who’s only known you for 2 weeks!
She was a little clingy and fussy but other than that – great. Couldn’t possibly ask for better.
This entire process has gone w-a-a-a-y better than expected. A month before we went to China, a boy newly adopted in our same hotel did nothing for the first 2 days but sit by the door and scream.
As crazy as that sounds, it’s actually a GOOD sign because it means he’s capable of bonding with whoever he was with before, and grieving the loss. What would be worse would be if he didn’t care. That would mean he’d never developed the ability to form emotional connections. Some kids never do.
| Perry’s Adoption Blog |
We’d gone into this whole thing with a certain amount of trepidation. I might portray myself as a really adventurous guy, but that’s on the OUTSIDE. On the inside, I don’t like it when things change.
Near the beginning, Laura and I had a nasty fight about it because this whole thing was moving way too fast for me. This adjustment did not come easy. In fact it took about five years and a sort of spiritual epiphany. After that I was OK.
December 4. Nanchang China. We come back from lunch and our tour guide is already at the hotel. The director of the orphanage is going to arrive early, and soon she shows up carrying Zoe.
Wow. So this is the kid we’ve seen pictures of! This is the girl I’m going to raise and send to college. Laura holds her, then gives her to me.
She’s very quiet. Pensive. This is so UN-dramatic. I hold her while Laura asks the orphanage director lots of questions. Finally, the director and our guide leave. And here we are on the 11th floor of the Jin Feng Hotel in Nanchang China. Suddenly we’re a family of seven now instead of six.
Our oldest is at home in school and the rest of us are here. With this introverted little girl.
Day 1: Stoic
Who knows what mysteries wait inside?
And . . . what do we do now?
We take it easy.
So we barely went anywhere for awhile. Mostly Laura held her. Very quickly she decided she trusted Laura and didn’t trust anyone else.
She would let the boys play with her but she wouldn’t smile. She hardly ever cried, except when someone besides Laura tried to hold her.
Day 4: Cautious
Laura put her down for bed at 8pm and she slept all the way through the night, as though she were well-trained. At 8am she woke up. We sat her on the floor with her stacking rings.
Laura gave her a bath. She didn’t like it. Laura would feed her; she’d accept the food but she wouldn’t feed herself. She never tried to crawl or move. She didn’t know how to drink from a sippy cup or a straw. She was just so quiet.
We didn’t have any of the crazy drama that you often hear about with adopted kids. She just slowly opened up to us and Laura’s taken care to make sure people around us aren’t poking her and trying to pick her up all the time. She’s going to get a generous amount of time to bond with her new family.
The next day we took her to the city of Nanchang to file the official adoption papers. We gavie our $7000 “cash donation” to the Jiangxi province and took her picture. She didn’t like being there, and whenever we took her anywhere she’d pull further into her ‘shell.’
Day 7: I'm starting to like this.
The Jin Feng hotel is the site of many adoption transactions. It was a quiet week and we were the only family on the 11th floor, which has a play area. We had it all to ourselves. It was an oasis of calm in this crowded, bustling city the size of LA. (And there’s 30+ cities in China that are even bigger than that. Mind blowing.)
The first time we saw her perk up was eating french fries. A couple of days later she was singing to them. She started playing with her 7 year old brother Z-man, and smiling. Then she started feeding me her crackers. After that she let me hold her.
Within a week, she warmed up to us all. She started to become comfortable even when we were going places. She started feeding herself and drinking from a straw. Her brothers would wrestle with each other on the bed and she’d watch with amusement.
She let them pick her up. She sat on the floor and explored her toys while we played Chinese Tom & Jerry cartoons on the TV.
Day 13: I'm up to something....
I wanted to see where she came from, what sort of place it was. She’s from Xinyu, a city of 1 million people 100 miles away. I got a ride and we drove through farmland and smog (the smog didn’t let up a bit, even in wide open spaces) until we got there.
Tree-lined Xinyu, China
One of the big industries there is steel, so I expected a depressing eyesore like Gary Indiana. Quite the opposite. It was full of parks and trees and boulevards. Skyscrapers and condos going up everywhere.
A prosperous, happening city. (Brand new unfinished condos there cost fifty bucks a square foot, if you’re interested.)
The whole town is very modern. They have solar-powered street lights and they’re known for energy technology.
The Social Welfare Institute in Xinyu, Jiangxi, China
I stopped at the Civil Affairs Bureau where she was dropped off in May 2010. I drove by the orphanage where she’d lived for the last 18 months. Took pictures. Stopped at a restaurant, where the local waitresses are obviously not used to seeing gringos.
We’d get on video chat with Drama Queen back home and she was trying to crawl through the screen to hold her new little sister.
About a month ago I picked Drama Queen up from school and she said, “Dad, I don’t think Zoe should stay in my room. I think she should sleep with you and mom. Because she’s going to keep me up at night and I’m in high school and I have to get good grades.”
I said, “I need MY sleep because I have to pay for your high school. I think she should sleep with YOU!”
We agreed to disagree.
A few weeks later, the Queen’s status update says, “As soon as Zoe gets here I’m going to take her into a cave and refuse to leave.” She’s DELIGHTED to share a room with her little sister.
It took Zoe a day or two to warm up to Laura; about four days to warm up to me; when we got home last Sunday we walked out of customs at O’Hare airport and Drama Queen was jumping up and down. “MY NEW LITTLE SISTER! MY NEW LITTLE SISTER!”
And Zoe’s lookin’ at her like, “And who, might I ask, is THIS???” She’s staring at her big sis with that poker face.
But they get in the van and ride home next to each other. By the time they get home, Zoe is letting big sis carry her all over the house. She lets her take her up to their room and Drama Queen lays Zoe down in her crib and takes a nap – MamaLaura doesn’t have to lift a finger.
Oh, and the boys LOVED their sister from the word go. This is just so cool. In fact, here’s a video where you can watch Zoe bonking Z-man in the face with a 7-Up bottle:
When we first got Zoe, she didn’t feed herself, she didn’t crawl, she didn’t walk, she didn’t do much of anything. Offhand I’d say she was acting like a 9 month old even though she’s 19 months.
Laura took her to the pediatrician this week, and the doctor said she acts like she’s 14 months.
5 months of development in 2 1/2 weeks? Hey baby, when you’ve got a mama and a daddy and brothers and a big sister and they’re all doting on you, when there’s a dog and a couple of cats and guinea pigs and it’s Christmas break and everyone’s around to play with you … things move fast!
Zoe’s Chinese name, the one the orphanage gave her, is Xin Yuan. There’s a very particular way that you have to pronounce it in Chinese, because Chinese vowels are based on tones.
If you don’t know how to say Chinese vowels (which for English speakers is quite hard), you completely butcher the person’s name.
Chinese is a very picturesque language full of rich metaphors. The reason that Chinese signs sound so dumb in English is because Chinese has all manner of beautiful imagery and poetic allusions. To translate direct to English is usually an act of butchery.
Chinese names also have rich meanings. So pronouncing someone’s name wrong in Chinese is sort of like meeting a guy named Frank and calling him Frankenstein.
Day 18: "I definitely like it here."
Which is why we gave her an English name. But Bryan has a friend named Robert who lives in Guangzhou. We spent a few hours at Robert’s house. We showed him the Chinese characters for Zoe’s original name and asked him to explain to us what they mean.
He studies the Chinese characters and tells us:
“Xin Yuan means new young pretty woman with high education and good behavior. She is very lady-like. She’s polite, has a good personality and excellent communication skills. She’s born from a famous family. She’s the girl who comes to the fashion ball and everyone wants to know who she is.
“It means she never behave like Brittany Spears.”
I look at him. “Seriously? It means all that?”
He nods. “Yessir. It means all of that.”
“Wow.”
So here she is, my little Christmas present. Best I ever got. Along with a seven-city tour in China!
The other day a lady left a comment on my blog asking how we know she wasn’t kidnapped before she was adopted to us.
(Child trafficking is a major problem in the world. Her question may be insensitive, but it’s not a dumb question.)
I replied that she’s got special needs – one leg is 3″ shorter than the other and she has two toes on one foot. We have a copy of her “lost and found” announcement from the local newspaper, announcing that an abandoned baby had been found. She was a month old.
70% of kids being adopted from China have special needs, and if you want a Chinese baby without birth defects, the wait will be 5-6 years.
Most of the adoptive families we met had kids with issues – club hands, club feet, cleft palate, heart issues, limb differences.
In China there is no such thing as “handicapped parking” or wheelchair ramps or any of that. There are stairs everywhere, and every doorway – even doorways inside of buildings – has a six inch threshold that you have to step over.
Handicapped people are invisible in China. To put it bluntly, nobody wants them.
Seven-city tour of China: Beijing, Kunming, Lijiang, Nanchang, Xinyu, Guangzhou and Hong Kong. Xinyu is southwest of Nanchang.
China has a one-child policy and culturally, boys are preferred over girls. Nobody under age 30 in China has a brother or sister; they’re all only children.
When we’d walk down the street with our three boys, EVERYONE stared at us. When we added a Chinese girl, they stared even more. When we told them Kid #5 was still at home, they could hardly believe their ears.
Just the other day on a group coaching call, a guy was puzzled. “One child policy? How do they enforce that?”
“Ethnic minorities and rural citizens are exempt from this, but people who have a second child get slapped by a huge fine, i.e. several years’ income.”
“What if they don’t pay it?”
“Um, you don’t want to know.”
I’ll leave the rest to you to figure out or research for yourself. Suffice it to say, if people are only allowed to have one child, and the one they have is a handicapped girl – there’s a chance she’ll be abandoned.
That means there’s plenty of girls in Chinese orphanages waiting to be adopted. There’s also LOTS of boys, simply because China is better known for adopting girls.
I’ve been surprised how many of my friends have told me in recent weeks that they’ve thought about adopting a child. My friend, if that’s in your heart, then you can at least start investigating.
Yeah, I know it costs money. (Maybe as much as a new car.) Yeah, I know it takes a lot of time and patience. Yeah I know it’s scary. Cuz you’re reachin’ in to that box of chocolates and you don’t know what you’re going to get. Believe me, I totally get that.
The adoption bloggers have an abbreviation for guys who are skittish about adopting. It’s “RH” – “Reluctant Husband.”
I’ll just say this: The joys – the benefits – are a lot less clear, less obvious than the costs. But they’re all still there and they’re all waiting for you. St. James said, “Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress.”
In Shamian Island in Guangzhou is the American consulate. It’s where all the adoptions are made official. Next door is the White Swan hotel and its world-famous “Red Couch” where all the adopting families get their pictures taken.
We got our picture taken – here’s our little China girl posing for the camera.
After a week of having her with us, she’s still a little bit on Chinese time. She likes to wake up at 3 in the morning.
But other than that, we’ve skipped the sleepless nights that you have with babies and gone straight to the toddler stage.
She babbles all the time. She chases the cat and pulls its tail. She likes the doggie. She likes baths and zerberts.
Remember Robert, who translated her name for us? He made an interesting comment:
“I can tell your daughter understands Chinese, but she doesn’t want to be with me. She can’t understand anything you’re saying but she loves her mama and her family. This is new to me. I’ve never seen this before. Perry, she’s listening to you through her heart.”
Amen, Robert. She sure knows who her family is.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Perry Marshall
P.S.: John Paul Mendocha called me the other day and said Perry, I’ve got customers saying me on the phone, “Tell Perry we’re praying for him and his adoption every day.” Right on, and I can feel it too. Joy To The World – God is Good. Thank y’all for sending thoughts and prayers and positive vibes are way. I really appreciate it. A lot!
P.P.S.: More of Laura’s photos here.
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About the Author
Perry Marshall has launched two revolutions in sales and marketing. In Pay-Per-Click advertising, he pioneered best practices and wrote the world's best selling book on Google advertising. And he's driven the 80/20 Principle deeper than any other author, creating a new movement in business.
He is referenced across the Internet and by Harvard Business Review, The New York Times, INC and Forbes Magazine.
34 Comments on “I got a toddler for Christmas!”
Merry Christmas Perry,
Your story is quite inspiring. Zoe is truly a gift to your family. My daughter gave birth to a baby boy on Dec 21st, our first grandchild. I know your happiness. May God bless you and your family.
Hi Perry,
Thanks for having such a big heart.
Imagine how the world would be if we’re like you?
Nice time.
Thank you for sharing Zoe with us. As an auntie of 2 adopted kids (from Korea), I have to say they are the greatest blessing. I’m so happy for you.
St. James said, “Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans ….”
Perry , you have put this verse in practice.I watched the videos it was very touching,poor girl changing hands without knowing what is going on…she is a blessed to be in caring hands,may God gives you strength while you take care of her.
Truly wonderful and heart-warming. Thank you for sharing…as always.
Scott
What an amazing and inspiring story!
Blessings to you and all your family :)
Thank you so much for sharing your story and your love Perry. I was blessed earlier this year to host the meeting of 2 families who had become friends and allies throughout the long adoption process but had never met in person.
These two families both rented out my entire Lodge here at Crystalwood and spent several days getting to know each other and their kids. These children were Russian orphans, from the same orphanage…some with special needs, some not — but with emotional trauma nonetheless.
Such a bond had been formed between all the parents through the adoption process, that when everyone arrived and introduced themselves, they were shortly sitting around the dining room table with wine and snacks, and chatting it up like BFFs. When I walked in to see how things were going, they told me they had just met!
I was most humbled and grateful to be able to host their get-together. I truly admire those folks such as yourselves who honor their values and open their hearts and homes to children in need of being held in high esteem with both hearts and homes to call their own.
Best to you and your entire newly-enlarged family! ;-)
— Liz
Perry –
Congratulations on your adoption.
People that are thinking of adoption should also consider adopting in their local area. It can be a LOT less expensive.
My daughter was a foster mom to, and later adopted, a little boy when he was just a few months old. He was born at 26 weeks, suffers from fetal alcohol syndrome and is a high performing autistic.
With all his challenges, he is a happy kid and very smart. He’s become a cherished member of the family.
There many kids like him in local institutions and foster care facilities.
Perry,
I’m so happy for you. Your posts have actually sparked my wife and I talking about this kinda stuff.
I have no doubt that the ripple effect within your sphere of influence will change more lives than just Zoe, and that is a good thing.
Congrats again.
Adam
Bravo to everyone who even just starts a conversation like this! Oh, and by the way – there’s LOTS of people who want to adopt and are simply limited by finances. They’re easy to find in the blogosphere or even among your own friends and neighbors. You could post something to your Facebook friends – “anybody you know trying to adopt a special needs kid but has limited funds?” Somebody’s bound to come out of the woodwork. Do whatcha can!
Thank you for opening your home to us. All we know is your biz side UNLESS we followed this beautiful story you were willing to share (along with pics). Thank you again.
Oh My Goodness!! How Precious is that baby girl??
What a Merry Christmas!!
God bless you all!! Precious little ANGEL!! :)
Lisa~
Nice to hear the whole thing came off without a hitch and Zoe is bonding with the family.
What a nice way to enter the Christmas season and start a brand new year!
Awesome story and pics, Perry! I have friends who just adopted 2 orphans from the Ukraine, and another family who are also adopting special needs girls from China. God bless you and your little family, and you will be in my prayers!
It is interesting how Zoe knows/feels your heart of love. Praying that God will continue to bless your family as they give their love to this precious little girl.
Perry, thank you for sharing your Zoe story with us. I think what I like best about it is that you have demystified much about the adoption process. We have thought about it, but we very much want to have another child naturally. We have a marvelous 6 yr old daughter. 2 1/2 years ago, we were told that we can have no more children.
We didn’t buy the diagnosis. But, for a long time we were mired in the despondence that comes from the loss of a dream ripped out of your hands. We started turning over every rock we could find until we found someone who identified the problem as less hormonal and more about infections that inhibit nutrient absorption.
We’ve spent a lot of time and money reinventing how we eat, remedies to clear the infection. We still don’t have a bundle in the oven, but the hormonal symptoms have all but disappeared. We remain hopeful that we can have another child naturally. But, there are times that we think seriously about adoption.
Thank you for sharing.
Merry Christmas,
Whichever path you choose, blessings to ya! Thanks for your note.
Thanks for sharing, Perry. I’m so happy for your family! She’s a very blessed child and I know she’ll bless your family as well.
Perry,
Very inspiring and very kind story! When I moved to USA I worked with families, that adopted children from Russia- I saw so many happy families and smiling kids! This was the best heart-kind experience in my life. I wish you and your family ALL the best! Merry Christmas and Happy Happy New Year… many happy years…
With all my respect,
Natalia
Perry this is an amazing story, really touching and wow I think what you guys have done is really noble and admirable. Wishing you and all your Family the absolute best for Christmas and New Year, Pitty we did not get you this year in Dubai but another opportunity will come.
Ernesto
What a heart warming story, surely to bring the spirit of Christmas through out the years.
Annie
Perry,
Nice story. Amazing how fast stuff in life can change. I wonder if, years from now, Zoe will grasp what a turn in the road this was for her. Please make sure we get the occasional update on her progress.
Craig
Perry:
That’s a lovely Christmas story and the best use for a healthy income I can imagine! Truly inspiring!
Without being calculated, this places you at the top of my list of people I want to do business with in the future. The best example of “doing marketing without effort” that I can recall. Thanks for the lesson.
Merry Christmas and a Prosperous and Happy New Year!
Paul Kemp
What an inspiring story! Thanks for sharing your family’s life with all of us. God bless!
ps., Thanks for sharing. Feeling the love is one of the best emotional good things in life. Hugs to Zoe.
Jack
Hey Perry. No longer have to wish you a merry Christmas, you already got that, and it appears you were blessed with a nice family.
When my son and daughter-in-law had their second child, Shane was born with a malformed foot and a missing middle finger on his right hand. Both parents were greatly distressed and it took a little while for them to adjust. I told them Shane won’t even know he’s a little different until he get older. I also told them that God has a way of making everyone equal by distributing physical characteristics and personality to balance thing out. I can’t begin to tell you what pleasure Shane is.
Maybe we can compare notes some time.
God bless, and have a happy new year.
Jack
Simply amazing and God bless you and family Perry. I admire you and as a member thank you for everything. Merry Christmas to everyone and may you and your family enjoy this special day.
Many blessings to your and your family. We made a similar journey nearly 10 years ago…best thing we’ve ever done.
What a beautiful gift, Perry – from, and to, you and your precious family. Thanks for sharing your story to inspire us all … blessings and blissings this holiday and beyond – and great love to Zoe … she’s listening to you through her heart …
Hey Perry,
I’ve been a subscriber (& customer) of yours for quite a while now and I enjoy reading everything you put out. I definitely consider myself part of Planet Perry.
I’ve read every single email you send out regarding your adoption journey and it’s kind of touching to be a witness in that journey.
You know, we have differing religious beliefs (same marketing beliefs though) but in this matter of “caring for orphans in their distress”, we are brothers.
I salute you for what you did (I’m not sure I can do the same) and may God bless you and yours… always.
Tears of joy at the sight of that exceedingly fortunate little girl… We should all close our eyes and imagine ourselves in the arms of our Heavenly Father, especially today. Wow, what a blessing to see your family at such a precious moment, Perry. I especially loved the way Mama and new daughter glowed in their peachy-pink clothing. Lovely. May Our Almighty God bless you all this day and always.
Just wonderful, Perry. I’m very happy for you and your family. With your involvement in things Chinese and respect for martial artists, I’m now even more convinced we need to talk!
Great and touching story Perry, Merry xmas to you and family.
What a wonderful story. Certainly worthy of Xmas. Your family is blessed and in for some amazing times in the coming years. Bless you.